Cosmic Carrots, and Googling Gerald.

Another example of the universe conspiring to humiliate me was an automated email I received today. Every morning at around 6:20am I am emailed a piece of general-knowledge trivia, or quote. I signed up for it ages ago, and then got bored with it so usually delete them. This morning at 6:15am Joanna Lumley once more informed me that I "have email." Having little better to do I decided I'd read it, though still rather drolly complained to an empty room that, "I wonder what that could possibly be?" It replied:

"Today is May 6, 2008.

You are too sarcastic.

~Periander of Corinth, his motto, inscribed on Temple of Apollo at Delphi,~"

If that's not a cosmic indictment of a personality, then what is?

I embarked on a week of sun and shopping today, but the hands-down unbeatably best thing I did was join a Facebook group called "On the 15th of May, everyone go out and panic-buy carrots." I don't think I can explain how much I love this group. It's that sort of random bonkers-ness that is the only reason I get out of bed in the morning (okay, afternoon usually, but that's not the point!)

After that I spent an hour trying to figure out a way to list myself in the category "Just For Fun - Totally Pointless." I haven't worked out quite how yet but I'm sure there's a way to make it possible, even if I have to get hold of the teenage nerdlinger who designed Facebook and persuade him to change the rules for me. (Calling him a "teenage nerdlinger" is possibly offensive, so make that 'billionaire twenty-something nerdlinger.') He's probably called Gerald. I'll google it in a minute and find out. (I won't google 'Gerald,' I'll google 'creator of Facebook' - otherwise I could end up posting a photograph of anyone. Well...anyone called Gerald, anyway.)

Talk of googling reminded me of something I should have done yesterday, so I had to google Barry Manilow first, but after that I discovered that the creator of Facebook is called (drum roll please)...Mark Zuckerberg!

The guy who made all this possible.

I wonder if - when people ask him how long it took him to create this little online community - he says "six days, I took Sunday off." I really hope he does say that. I would. (I do say that: when people ask me how long some of the jewellery takes to create. They usually do little more than look at me funny, but it's still always worth it - especially if I have designed anything that even vaguely resembles a cross.)

I have just heard on Radio 5Live that Portugal's national football team coach Luis Felipe Scolari may replace Sven Goran Eriksson at Manchester United. I don't know enough about it to have any idea if this is good, bad, unlikely or ridiculous. I am so glad I don't work for the FA though, because every time I hear someone say his name, the little voice in my head repeats it to the tune of Morrissey's 'Piccadilly Palare,' and I begin humming it. Singing "Luis Felipe Scolari" would make me look like an idiot in a board meeting. (Try it, they have the same metrical rythm, and it will get stuck in your head.)

I do know that Sven has the best job in the world - as from what I can ascertain, his job is making millions at 'getting sacked from stuff.' Even I could do that.

I forgot that I have left the bedroom window open and have just been startled out of my few dwindling wits by a crow cawing uncommonly raucously. There is a morose irony to having years shaven off of ones life by a bird often so strongly associated with imagery of death. If this were the beginning of a film, then that would be a bad sign - but as it's the end of a blog instead, I am determined to view it in a more positive light.

I'm bored now, so while I still have the Google search engine open I've tapped in "facts about crows," because I realise that I have not learned anything useful today (except that ASOS had a 20% off shoe sale.)

So...here are some Facts About Crows:

"As members of the corvid family, crows are considered to be among the most adaptable and intelligent birds in the world"

"The Sioux tell the story of how a white crow used to warn buffalo of approaching hunting parties. The buffalo would then stampede, and the hunters would be left hungry. Eventually, an angry Indian threw the bird in a fire, which turned it black."

"Early historical records reveal that "crow" has long been synonymous with "despicable predator". King Henry VIII put a public bounty on the crow along with its relation the rook. The crow also has a special distinction in the United States. During World War II, it was designated as an enemy of the American public and was subject to a widespread propaganda campaign that stated the "black bandits" were robbing the nation's farms of grain."

That last one is my favourite crow fact. Bandito crows! I see The Birds remade along the lines of Zorro; with Tippi Hedren in the lead role instead of Catherine Zeta Douglas-fecking-Jones.

...I have just had the latest automated email. Today's said:

"Today is May 7, 2008

"Persons successfully pleading insanity spend more time in a mental hospital than they would if found guilty and sentenced to jail."

~The John Hinkley Trial and its Effects on the Insanity Defense by Kimberly Collins, Gabe Hinkebein, and Staci Schorgl~"

I told you that the universe has it in for me.